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America Media Introduces New Editorial Categories
Less than a decade after revamping its editorial categories, America Media, the media ministry, announces the addition of new options that will allow a greater breadth of expression that is more closely attuned to today’s media environment. According to one editor, these new editorial options will have greater synergies with social media and the ever-evolving news cycle.
New Categories for Editorial Content
The following are the new categories for editorial content that America Media has introduced:
The Long Take
A prominent feature of America’s coverage in recent years has been its “Short Takes.” However, the “Long Take” expands on the idea, allowing for tendentious, somewhat informed, meandering essays that run into the tens of thousands of words and include footnotes, digressions into intramural academic squabbles, and a heavy reliance on jargon. The art that accompanies such pieces will always be an image of a medieval globe viewed through a dusty library window, preferably one at Oxford.
The Hot Take
The “Hot Take” will be primarily written by editors, approved at 4:30 p.m., published at 5 p.m., and heavily redacted at 1 a.m. The author of the “Hot Take” will have zero expertise on the matter at hand but have a large social media following and an invincible sense of authority. The usage of “forego” when “forgo” is meant will be a verbal requirement for the “Hot Take,” as well as a heavy reliance on passive constructions where “it is asserted.” Dubious understandings of Ignatian spirituality will also find a home here.
The Bad Take
For America’s significant corps of writers and readers who do not care for the World Wide Web unless it can be accessed via Compuserve or AOL, the “Bad Take” will feature many of the same characteristics as the “Hot Take,” except it will be carefully planned and executed over the course of many months. The “Bad Take” will typically be informed by political categories that are no longer extant and certainly not relevant, be offensive to vast swaths of the readership and may often include mentions of “dames” and “the Levant.” Maudlin references to the long-suffering Irish people will of course always be welcome in the “Bad Take” canon.
That Take
Generated entirely by AI chatbots, the “That Take” will churn through 114 years of America content to produce essays that will cause readers to shake their heads and mutter, “of course, America, of course,” complete with boldface type. On matters political, the “That Take” will always recommend the issue at hand bears watching. On matters cultural, it will compare literally everything to the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius Loyola. On matters literary, it will conclude every essay with a paragraph that begins with “that notwithstanding” or a quote from Flannery O’Connor taken wildly out of context, or, ideally, both. Every “That Take,” regardless of content, will feature a blurry photo of a woman praying in an empty church.
Happy April Fools’ Day, beloved readers.
